Have you ever considered the dominant role an unforgiving spirit can play in your life? You might wonder, what is an unforgiving spirit?

Virginia Whitman relates an incident that occurred several years ago at Fairfax Airport in Kansas City, where workers were constructing a proposed electrically ‘perfect’ room.  This room was designed to provide technicians a work environment free of any electrical interference.  To make this possible, special construction techniques were employed. When the job was complete, however, a special electronic “reading” revealed a small amount of electrical conduction.  After hours of searching, testing, and measuring, the trouble was discovered.  The culprit was the lead pencil marks on the lumber used by the carpenters.

What is an unforgiving spirit?  It is the unseen pencil mark on the soul, breaking our connections with other people and affecting all of our relationships.  Initially difficult to identify, an unforgiving spirit is developed over time, due to an inability to deal properly with shame, offenses, and even a pain suffered.

Is there a door to the heart that is the source of an unforgiving spirit?  The seeds of an unforgiving spirit are planted when we are wronged in some way.  Often, the first hurt we experience may begin as a child; unknowingly inflicted by those we love the most.

Here are my first two tips to help you evaluate your behavior patterns and begin taking control of your thoughts and attitudes:

#1 – Don’t Play the Blame Game.  I learned long ago that if someone is accusing you of being the problem, it’s often their shame speaking so don’t buy into it. I also learned that if everyone is offering you the same criticism, it’s time to drop the defenses, listen and learn!

Excuses and defensive behavior are often coping mechanisms we develop to avoid real issues. You can take responsibility for your thoughts and therefore take responsibility for your actions! How do you begin? Identify 3 areas of life where it is time to stop making excuses! 

#2 – Identify Negative Cycles.  Do you find yourself constantly repeating the same negative behaviors? Have you asked yourself why? Repetitive cycles are often the result of unresolved issues or judgments toward ourselves or others.

For example, you might say, “My mother was an alcoholic, I will never be like her!” Yet, you find yourself adopting her behaviors! Through forgiveness, you free yourself of pain, anger and judgments, and you shift your focus from yesterday’s hurt to today’s possibility!

You might ask, how do I forgive? We have a model for forgiveness—Christ, who lived a sinless life and chose to forgive those who sinned against Him. Accept His forgiveness and discover its great power!   Ask yourself: Do I have repetitive negative behaviors that require forgiveness? Write them down and start forgiving today!

Did you know that the average person has between 25,000 and 50,000 thoughts per day? And much of your behavior depends on your thoughts and attitudes! While playing athletics I developed a saying to motivate me each morning: “I am alive, alert, awake, joyous, and enthusiastic about life!”

Although I had to rise each morning at 5 am for basketball practice, I would lie awake most nights with aching joints due to my rapid growth. How did I get up each morning? I programmed myself!  I learned that getting control of my thoughts allowed me to control my actions!

Behavior is defined as the way in which one conducts oneself, especially toward others. It is also defined as the way in which a person responds to a particular situation or stimulus. By evaluating our behavior patterns, both to internal and external stimuli, we discover new levels of self-awareness.

For the next two days I will be sharing some tips that can help you take control of your thoughts and attitudes and move toward a healthier you!

Are you ready for greater mental clarity? Let’s look at 4 powerful exercises to increase self-awareness and eliminate mental chatter!

STEP #1: Order Your World! In her bestselling book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, Marie Kondo offers insight into releasing ourselves from the clutter that produces chaos. Her how-to book has gained traction globally by helping people reform their own spaces, both physically and mentally.  In other words, decluttering your space helps declutter your mind. Today: find time to organize. You WILL be less stressed and more focused!

STEP #2: Think Like A Child. It is proven that a child’s brain is flexible and adaptable. Children can quickly change their viewpoint. “When people begin thinking like a child, they see a fresh perspective,” says Jack Uldrich, bestselling business author. “They learn to step back and view problems, people and things from a completely different point of view.”  Ponder these questions:  As a child, what did you dream you would become? What toys or childhood activities did you most enjoy?  Often seeds of greatness start in childlike attitudes.

STEP #3: Learn To Meditate. Biblical meditation provides a clear voice in your life that helps delete the mental chatter, focus your thoughts and identify your pathway. It is pondering and reflecting on what God’s Word says about you!  The Holy Scripture says, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” The Psalmist said, The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul.  Begin Now: Ponder these 2 scriptures—they will produce peace for today and confidence for your future!

STEP #4: Identify Your Internal Conversation. According to psychologists, each of us conducts a conversation with ourselves known as “self-talk.”  Positive internal dialogue can generate favorable expectation, while negative internal dialogue raises stress. The Reality: Negative thinking produces mental clutter. The Remedy: Take a mental inventory! It brings order to your mental world. Learn to capture and order your thoughts on paper!  Begin today: Write down 5 optimistic thoughts about your life and surroundings!

Scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 23

If you have any unforgiveness in your heart, or if you’ve been unable to forgive yourself, right now you can pray this with me: “Jesus I ask You to take the pain that is in my heart. Help me forgive the people who have violated me. Forgive me Lord for those whom I have violated. I ask You right now to forgive me and to cleanse me and to come into my heart to help my emotions, bring Your divine love to my heart today. Release me from my sin and restore my hope.”

If you prayed this prayer I want you to know your heart has been opened to the love of God, and He will be that healing salve that you need when you face tragedy and unforgiveness.

Go to my website today, www.LeslieMcNulty.com and look for our resources. You can find new hope for new life today and resources that will strengthen you on your course to recovery.

Perhaps you can think of someone that you have wronged? Or perhaps someone has wronged you? If you have not allowed yourself to forgive you may be affecting your health! Are you an angry person? Have you considered the negative impact anger has on your health?  According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, when you’re chronically angry you’re in a fight-or-flight mode—which can have effects on blood pressure and heart rate.

Forgiveness can get you out of the anger mode and eliminate harmful toxins that may be damaging your body. When you learn to forgive, your heart will thank you—because forgiveness has been shown to lower blood pressure.  A 2011 study of married couples in the Journal of Personal Relationships, showed that when the victim in the situation forgave the other person, both experienced a decrease in blood pressure.

Today we continue with the last three steps toward discovering emotional forgiveness.

Step # 3 is to become altruistic, or selfless, by giving the gift of forgiveness. Jesus Christ gave the greatest gift of forgiveness when He took our transgressions upon His body and died for us! He did nothing wrong, but God so loved us that He sent His Son to pay the price for our sin.

Christ’s words spoken on the cross ring out through eternity, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” Isn’t this ultimately the voice of unconditional forgiveness, and doesn’t this give us the power to forgive?  Sometimes in order to offer the gift of forgiveness we must remember or value an instance when someone else forgave us.

Step #4 Once you make the decision to offer the gift of forgiveness, Worthington suggests committing to public forgiveness. This can be done through writing in a journal, telling a friend, creating a certificate of forgiveness or even telling the individual that wronged you.

Step #5 is to hold on to forgiveness. Psychologists say that forgiveness is not forgetting, but rather, forgiveness is a decision. Memories of the wrong incurred and the associated negative feelings will arise, but hold on to forgiveness! Remind yourself that you made a decision to forgive!

Scripture:  Luke 23:34

As we talked about in yesterday’s blog, today we will look at the first two steps toward discovering emotional forgiveness.

Step #1 requires you to RECALL the events and hurt as accurately and objectively as possible. I would liken this to accurate thinking—using our minds, not our emotions, to correctly understand and evaluate.

We don’t need to recall the event just to remember we are a victim or to punish the aggressor with our words. We recall to gain perspective. We can use our intellect to control our emotions, allowing us to control our actions and, ultimately, forgive.

The Bible tells us to “Bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” Objectively taking our thoughts captive allows us the power to move forward.

Step # 2 is to EMPATHIZE. Try to understand what happened from the point of view of the person who wronged you. No one would suggest that this is easy, but by considering the motivations or short-comings of the other person, we may be able to replace negative emotions with positive emotions.

Dostoyevsky states, “Nothing is easier than to condemn the evildoer, nothing is harder than to understand him.”

Empathy is the process of putting yourself in the other person’s chair. Worthington, by looking at his mother’s killer as young, reactionary, and out of control, was better able to understand his mother’s senseless tragedy.

Scripture: 2 Corinthians 10:5

Psychologist Everett Worthington is an author and a specialist on instructing people in REACH, a 5 step process for forgiveness.

Worthington knows something about forgiveness. He experienced the unthinkable when his 78-year-old mother was sexually violated and beaten to death with a crowbar. According to an article published by WWBT in Richmond, Virginia, Worthington states that “this was a particularly horrific scene. One that I just never will forget.”

Adding to his difficulties, Worthington’s brother could not get the image of his mother’s death out of his head, and a few years later he committed suicide. Worthington says not only did he need to forgive his mother’s killer, he also had to forgive himself for not being able to help his brother!

Although I am not a psychologist, I have seen marriages that were broken by infidelity, restored through forgiveness. I have witnessed criminals find self-forgiveness and the ability to move forward in life, and I have seen the abused released from the horrors of cruelty through forgiveness.

Worthington writes in his book, “Forgiveness and Reconciliation” that he was able to forgive the youths that committed the horrible crime against his mother in just over 30 hours. How? By working through his 5-Step Process which I will outline for you in my next two blogs.

How do we cultivate forgiveness? Renee Napier certainly knows how. Her daughter, Meagan, was a drunken-driver accident victim. Eric Smallridge was intoxicated when the vehicle he was driving struck another, instantly killing Meagan and her friend Lisa, both 20 years old.

Renee knows the incomprehensible grief associated with the sudden loss of a child, and she dedicated her life to preventing more deaths by raising awareness of drunken driving.

She successfully conducted events across Florida, but as she told ABC news,” she kept feeling like something was missing.” She knew if she could involve Eric in her presentations, it would be powerful.

Prior to his prison release Eric was allowed to join Renee in her events. Still wearing his prison uniform he emphatically told people, “Don’t be me! I never intended to be in this uniform! The consequences of my one decision to drive drunk were far too great!”

How does a mother find courage to work with the very man who took her daughter’s life? How could this same person also advocate and obtain an early release for a man who had 10 years left to serve on a 22 year prison sentence for manslaughter? Indira Gandhi said, “Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave.”

In a Gulf Breeze News interview Napier said: “I could be angry, hateful and bitter, but I didn’t want to live my life that way. There was no way I could move on and live a happy life without forgiving Eric.”

Napier has said that she has grown to love Smallridge and his family and now considers him to be like a son to her. What would you do if you faced this life altering tragedy? Could you forgive this person? Would you forgive this person?  And how do you cultivate forgiveness?