As a young person, I faced relentless teasing for my size, name and abilities. No one seemed to understand, not even my mother. I remember her saying to me, “Leslie you are beautiful and gifted, what are you so upset about? Straighten up!” Those words, although intended to bring peace, only drove my shame deeper and placed an unseen wedge in my heart.

Several years later I realized that whenever I was in my mother’s house, we would automatically disagree and sometimes argue. There was no one else in the world I loved more at that time and yet we could not dwell in peace. I wanted help. My friend suggested that I ask God to forgive me for judging my mother and, if possible, seek my mother’s forgiveness. When I asked my mother to forgive me for not being the daughter I should have been, I remember her response. She said, “Leslie, you’re my daughter. Forgive you for what? I love you!”

My mother had no memory of any wrong, which is often the case, and the reason we must learn to guard our hearts. Because as the Proverb says, the issues of life flow out of the heart. My release did not come in knowing that my mother understood. My release came when I understood I was forgiven by God and I had forgiven both my mother and myself.

Have you ever considered the dominant role an unforgiving spirit can play in your life? You might wonder, what is an unforgiving spirit?

Virginia Whitman relates an incident that occurred several years ago at Fairfax Airport in Kansas City, where workers were constructing a proposed electrically ‘perfect’ room.  This room was designed to provide technicians a work environment free of any electrical interference.  To make this possible, special construction techniques were employed. When the job was complete, however, a special electronic “reading” revealed a small amount of electrical conduction.  After hours of searching, testing, and measuring, the trouble was discovered.  The culprit was the lead pencil marks on the lumber used by the carpenters.

What is an unforgiving spirit?  It is the unseen pencil mark on the soul, breaking our connections with other people and affecting all of our relationships.  Initially difficult to identify, an unforgiving spirit is developed over time, due to an inability to deal properly with shame, offenses, and even a pain suffered.

Is there a door to the heart that is the source of an unforgiving spirit?  The seeds of an unforgiving spirit are planted when we are wronged in some way.  Often, the first hurt we experience may begin as a child; unknowingly inflicted by those we love the most.

Today I am sharing the last two tips that will help you take control of your thoughts and attitudes: 

Third, Overcome Unrealistic Expectations.  Do you avoid reality? Are you so busy talking the “big idea” that you’ve forgotten to address life’s daily routines? I believe in the power of a positive attitude. But I also know a positive attitude does not deny reality, it simply gives us the ability to deal with reality!

Remember: Unfulfilled expectations are a leading cause of discouragement!  True personal success is found when expectation meets accomplishment! Proverbs 13:12 says, “a fulfilled desire is a tree of life!” Ask yourself: Are my expectations realistic? If not, evaluate and revise your plans!

Fourth, Learn to Laugh At Yourself!  Don’t take yourself too seriously! While you’re developing the strategy for humanity’s next great invention, take some time and laugh! Laughter has the ability to reduce stress and provide a feeling of wellness.  Laughter helps boost self-confidence. It encourages healthy relationships and eliminates feelings of aggression, jealousy and antagonism.

My husband is a natural comedian! Or so he thinks—we often get the most enjoyment watching him laugh at his own jokes! Enjoy life! Become your own comedian and learn to smile at your mistakes!  If you have trouble laughing at yourself, take some time and watch children! They laugh at everything! Or simply buy a joke book and laugh at someone else! 

The point? Start laughing! It will do you good!

Did you know that the average person has between 25,000 and 50,000 thoughts per day? And much of your behavior depends on your thoughts and attitudes! While playing athletics I developed a saying to motivate me each morning: “I am alive, alert, awake, joyous, and enthusiastic about life!”

Although I had to rise each morning at 5 am for basketball practice, I would lie awake most nights with aching joints due to my rapid growth. How did I get up each morning? I programmed myself!  I learned that getting control of my thoughts allowed me to control my actions!

Behavior is defined as the way in which one conducts oneself, especially toward others. It is also defined as the way in which a person responds to a particular situation or stimulus. By evaluating our behavior patterns, both to internal and external stimuli, we discover new levels of self-awareness.

For the next two days I will be sharing some tips that can help you take control of your thoughts and attitudes and move toward a healthier you!

Are you ready for greater mental clarity? Let’s look at 4 powerful exercises to increase self-awareness and eliminate mental chatter!

STEP #1: Order Your World! In her bestselling book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, Marie Kondo offers insight into releasing ourselves from the clutter that produces chaos. Her how-to book has gained traction globally by helping people reform their own spaces, both physically and mentally.  In other words, decluttering your space helps declutter your mind. Today: find time to organize. You WILL be less stressed and more focused!

STEP #2: Think Like A Child. It is proven that a child’s brain is flexible and adaptable. Children can quickly change their viewpoint. “When people begin thinking like a child, they see a fresh perspective,” says Jack Uldrich, bestselling business author. “They learn to step back and view problems, people and things from a completely different point of view.”  Ponder these questions:  As a child, what did you dream you would become? What toys or childhood activities did you most enjoy?  Often seeds of greatness start in childlike attitudes.

STEP #3: Learn To Meditate. Biblical meditation provides a clear voice in your life that helps delete the mental chatter, focus your thoughts and identify your pathway. It is pondering and reflecting on what God’s Word says about you!  The Holy Scripture says, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” The Psalmist said, The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul.  Ponder these 2 scriptures—they will produce peace for today and confidence for your future!

STEP #4: Identify Your Internal Conversation. According to psychologists, each of us conducts a conversation with ourselves known as “self-talk.”  Positive internal dialogue can generate favorable expectation, while negative internal dialogue raises stress. The Reality: Negative thinking produces mental clutter. The Remedy: Take a mental inventory! It brings order to your mental world. Learn to capture and order your thoughts on paper!  Begin today: Write down 5 optimistic thoughts about your life and surroundings!

Scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 23

If you have any unforgiveness in your heart, or if you’ve been unable to forgive yourself, right now you can pray this with me: “Jesus I ask You to take the pain that is in my heart. Help me forgive the people who have violated me. Forgive me Lord for those whom I have violated. I ask You right now to forgive me and to cleanse me and to come into my heart to help my emotions, bring Your divine love to my heart today. Release me from my sin and restore my hope.”

If you prayed this prayer I want you to know your heart has been opened to the love of God, and He will be that healing salve that you need when you face tragedy and unforgiveness.

Go to my website today, www.LeslieMcNulty.com and look for our resources. You can find new hope for new life today and resources that will strengthen you on your course to recovery.

Perhaps you can think of someone that you have wronged? Or perhaps someone has wronged you? If you have not allowed yourself to forgive you may be affecting your health! Are you an angry person? Have you considered the negative impact anger has on your health?  According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, when you’re chronically angry you’re in a fight-or-flight mode—which can have effects on blood pressure and heart rate.

Forgiveness can get you out of the anger mode and eliminate harmful toxins that may be damaging your body. When you learn to forgive, your heart will thank you—because forgiveness has been shown to lower blood pressure.  A 2011 study of married couples in the Journal of Personal Relationships, showed that when the victim in the situation forgave the other person, both experienced a decrease in blood pressure.

Today we will look at the first two steps toward discovering emotional forgiveness.

Step #1 requires you to RECALL the events and hurt as accurately and objectively as possible. I would liken this to accurate thinking—using our minds, not our emotions, to correctly understand and evaluate.

We don’t need to recall the event just to remember we are a victim or to punish the aggressor with our words. We recall to gain perspective. We can use our intellect to control our emotions, allowing us to control our actions and, ultimately, forgive.

The Bible tells us to “Bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” Objectively taking our thoughts captive allows us the power to move forward.

Step # 2 is to EMPATHIZE. Try to understand what happened from the point of view of the person who wronged you. No one would suggest that this is easy, but by considering the motivations or short-comings of the other person, we may be able to replace negative emotions with positive emotions.

Dostoyevsky states, “Nothing is easier than to condemn the evildoer, nothing is harder than to understand him.”

Empathy is the process of putting yourself in the other person’s chair. Worthington, by looking at his mother’s killer as young, reactionary, and out of control, was better able to understand his mother’s senseless tragedy.

Scripture: 2 Corinthians 10:5

Psychologist Everett Worthington is an author and a specialist on instructing people in REACH, a 5 step process for forgiveness.

Worthington knows something about forgiveness. He experienced the unthinkable when his 78-year-old mother was sexually violated and beaten to death with a crowbar. According to an article published by WWBT in Richmond, Virginia, Worthington states that “this was a particularly horrific scene. One that I just never will forget.”

Adding to his difficulties, Worthington’s brother could not get the image of his mother’s death out of his head, and a few years later he committed suicide. Worthington says not only did he need to forgive his mother’s killer, he also had to forgive himself for not being able to help his brother!

Although I am not a psychologist, I have seen marriages that were broken by infidelity, restored through forgiveness. I have witnessed criminals find self-forgiveness and the ability to move forward in life, and I have seen the abused released from the horrors of cruelty through forgiveness.

Worthington writes in his book, “Forgiveness and Reconciliation” that he was able to forgive the youths that committed the horrible crime against his mother in just over 30 hours. How? By working through his 5-Step Process which I will outline for you over the next two days.

If I were to put a bunch of apple seeds into your hand you would probably get a picture of what could be produced from them. The same is true if I filled your hands with turtle eggs.

If I were to put the seed of a human into your hand, try and think of the possibility!

We look at the Japanese bonsai tree with its artistic, dwarfed size and shape and admire it. Most of humanity has gone through an unseen process like the bonsai tree. Humans have been restricted, confined and twisted to a shape of another’s liking.

It could be religion, family criticism, personal inferiority and fears, or the example of others that has made you feel dwarfed and twisted, but Jesus came to set the captives free! Each of us has an ability to dream of the possibilities in our future.  It is a risk to go beyond the parameters, but no one will ever know how high you can grow until you allow yourself to reach! God has put a future in you that reaches into eternity.

Stretch for it today!